Aries: (March 21 – April 19) For God’s sake, don’t touch it! And if you do, don’t touch anything else. If that spreads any further you’ll need to be patched with spackle. Gross. Lucky Number: 911.
Taurus: (April 20 – May 20) You know how they say girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice? Well, you’re kinda like that… only your mommy made you out of booze and crank and everything skank.
Gemini: (May 21 – June 21) The stars this month suggest the value of negotiation and compromise. To bad the hostage taker isn’t a Gemini!
Cancer: (June 22 – July 22) You, like the Crab, have a durable exterior which protects the soft and tender person you are inside. Bad news, this month the grim reaper has traded in his scythe a cloak for a nutcracker and a plastic bib.
Leo: (July 23 – Aug. 22) Consider your options. Should you use the gun first or the chloroform? Much depends on this decision.
Virgo: (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Some astrologers would tell you that the burning sensation is because the Sun is in your lower house. We suggest you see a real doctor.
Libra: (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) If life was like Hollywood movies, your treatment would have read, “…it’s kinda like Urkel meets Alf in a Thai massage parlor with a tragicomic ending.”
Scorpio: (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) It’s often said that two out of three ain’t bad, but no matter how you slice it a life of “Sex, Antiretroviral Drugs and Rock and Roll” is less than ideal.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) A guy dressed in black said he was surprised to see you yesterday. Something about a meeting in a place called Samara tomorrow? What’s up with that?
Capricorn: (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20) Check your facebook page. I think someone just pissed on your wall.
Aquarius: (Jan. 21 – Feb. 18) Don’t wallow in the past. Wallow in your future! It’s even worse!
Pisces: (February 19 – March 20) Be strong. Your ex will soon tire of telling that joke about the appropriateness of your name being ED.