Aries:  (March 21 – April 19) You will soon discover that ‘avoid direct eye contact’ is more important than ‘apply to affected area’ when it comes to fungal sprays. Contact a physician immediately

Taurus:  (April 20 – May 20) Far too late you will learn  that when he asked you to come along because his “Nuggets were playing a game at 6,” he wasn’t referring to the basketball team.

Gemini: (May 21 – June 21) Your lucky day for love is the 25th. Your lucky day for conception is the 11th. Do not confuse these dates.

Cancer: (June 22 – July 22) Though you thought “alligator wrestler” was a cool job description,  after a brief debate, your family will decide to leave it out of the obituary altogether.

Leo: (July 23 – Aug. 22) Even though some may feign respect, or even seem to show a bit of love, all dogs secretly hate you.

Virgo:  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Get this: “experimenting with sexuality” explicitly means YOUR sexuality. Try that again and you might get a belt to the jaw.

Libra: (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) When it “comes down to brass tacks” you may have taken your interest in marital aides a bit too far.

Scorpio:  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) New Socks! New Socks! For weeks all anyone has heard from you is “Check out my New Socks!” No one cares. Shut up, already!

Sagittarius:  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)  Sorry, you can’t get into the record books for “Swallowing and Regurgitating the Largest Living Thing.” Sure, your friends may have been entertained by the goldfish, but NO ONE is going to want to know about that kitten.

Capricorn:  (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20) Special Secret: Throw a surprise party for your grandfather next Tuesday. His lawyer told us he’s changing his will in your favor on Monday. His doctor said the pacemaker leaves him vulnerable.

Aquarius:  (Jan. 21 – Feb. 18) “It’s what’s on the inside that counts.” And once you accept that, it’ll be a lot easier to find someone willing to believe that same line of bullshit about you!

Pisces:  (February 19 – March 20) I know you worked really. really hard on those fancy new card tricks and you’re really, really excited to show them to hot chicks – but, as you will very soon learn, “Dude, You Can Amaze Her” sounds an awful lot like, “Dude, She’s got a Taser.” I’d say, “be careful,” but I’m dying to see this.

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