Senator John McCain (R-Anger, Arizona)
Senator John McCain (R-Anger, Arizona)

Responding to news that Russian President Vladimir Putin had ordered troops into the Crimean Peninsula, thus escalating tensions in Ukraine, Senator John McCain (R-Arizona) reiterated his statement from Friday: “We are all Ukrainians, now.”

McCain went further, saying, “. . . this is a chess match reminiscent of the Cold War and we need to realize that and act accordingly.”

When asked by this reporter if he meant that the United States should use pre-positioned Special Forces units to destabilize the region, then expand the conflict by arming a Muslim separatist movement in an effort to draw Moscow further into the conflict, McCain turned noticeably redder in the face and issued a low, but audible, growl.

On a follow-up question, made possible by the grinding of the Senator’s teeth, this reporter asked if McCain thought that it would then be wise to arm those war-hardened, Muslim extremists with air-to-ground missiles as force multipliers, even while noting that their ideology was turning far more towards the notion of a global caliphate under Sharia law, and, further, that those weapons and the training they were receiving from western militaries could one day be turned against Europe or the United States?

At this point, a blood vessel in the Senator’s eye burst, and he shouted, “We are all Ukrainians, now, punk. That’s all you damn-well need to know!” Then McCain’s right arm seemed to lift violently and uncontrollably towards this reporter’s throat before being grabbed and wrestled back down by the Senator’s left arm. He departed quickly down the marbled hallways of the Capitol Building, followed by staff.

In related news, Sarah Palin spoke at a news conference today with her strategic adviser, a dog-eared copy of Command Authority, by the late author, Tom Clancy, at her side. In a prepared statement, Palin noted that both she and the novel had predicted the Russian military action in the Crimea, and that the incursion never would have occurred had President Obama not been a big, stupid girl. The novel at her side nodded its cover in approval. Before departing the stage she winked at cameras and stage-whispered “Benghazi!!!”

Asked for a comment, a spokesman for the Obama administration indicated that the Commander-in-Chief had issued a stern warning to the Russian President and altered American troop deployments by transferring liberal economics professor Paul Krugman from Princeton University in New Jersey to the City University of New York on Manhattan Island, thus bringing him several miles nearer to the front lines should he be needed.

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