One day, after going to the gym, Superhero Jesus was out walking around his old neighborhood in Nazareth.
They love him in Old Nazareth and he loves them. He feels comfortable here; he can breathe here – away from all those pestering disciples with their “Rabbi this and Rabbi that…” Back home in Nazareth, he is with his people. He can relax and get in a good workout every day before healing some lepers or raising the dead.
“It’s nice here,” thinks Jesus.
As He passes the temple, He waves a holy hello to Hadad the Grinder and pats the cute little Benhadad on the head. Up ahead there is a group of citizens gathered in the main square. Jesus decides to go on up and see what’s shaking.
“It’s not market day today, is it?” Superhero Jesus wonders.
But the sun overhead warms his soul and the worry passes. Jesus thinks to himself, “Ahhhhhh…. nothing could go wrong today….”
Even Superhero Jesus should avoid thinking things like that.
When Jesus is about two blocks from the market, he starts to hear heavy, intermittent, arhythmic thumping – each blow being followed by a woman’s wailing.
“Shit,” Jesus thinks to himself. “What is it with these Nazarenes and their stonings? They’re like a bunch of Ninavehian children with the stoning.”
Superhero Jesus breaks into a uphill sprint. As he reaches the market he executes a perfect flying lotus hurdle over Jediel’s vegetable stand, lands with a diving shoulder roll, springs to his feet and pushes his way through the crowd.
Once in front, Jesus shields the woman’s body from the crashing stones. It is clear from her dress and her ruddy makeup that she is a prostitute – a sinner. But Jesus comforts her nonetheless, brushing away her tears and helping her to her feet. She begins to revive.
Still shielding her body, Jesus turns sharply to the crowd and in a resonant baritone he bellows, “MAY THE ONE OF YOU WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE NEXT STONE.”
Silence strikes the assembled. They shuffle on their feet. Jesus hears the sounds of stones being dropped to dusty earth.
“Just as I thought,” thinks Jesus as he lowers his powerful arms from around the woman’s head.
Just then a rock sails from the crowd and smacks the prostitute right between the eyes, again knocking her senseless. She falls limp in Jesus’ arms.
Superhero Jesus looks up and scans the crowd for the one who threw the stone. His eyes settle upon an old woman slowly removing her veil.
He looks the woman dead in the eye and says, “Mom, sometimes you REALLY piss me off!!!”
Cue the rimshot: Ba, dum, dum, chisshhh…