Aries:  (March 21 – April 19)  After the thing with the policeman, the chocolate sauce and all that whispered giggling, it is now official:  drunkenness doesn’t become you.  You become it.

Taurus:  (April 20 – May 20)  The marriage counselor suggested trying to settle things peacefully.  Use sleeping pills.

Gemini: (May 21 – June 21) Unconditional love is likely out of reach.  Lower your expectations.  Aim for simmering tolerance and brooding anger.

Cancer: (June 22 – July 22) Your first two weeks with him will have you on pins and needles, but that’s nothing compared to how you’ll feel when you’re alone and waiting for your lab tests to come back.

Leo: (July 23 – August 22) She’s sure to remind you on the honeymoon, but try to remember, Titicaca is your destination, not an activity.

Virgo:  (August 23 – September 22)  Fulfill everyone’s Christmas wishes, do the thing with the cop and the chocolate sauce just one more time!

Libra: (September 23 – October 22) Life is way too short to worry about the little things, particularly your life.

Scorpio:  (October 23 – November 21)  Now that you’ve opened your own business it might be time to reconsider your plan to “sleep your way to the top.”

Sagittarius:  (November 22 – December 21)  Sorry to be the one to tell you, but you wouldn’t even have made Schindler’s Shit List.

Capricorn:  (December 22 – January 20)  Your unsuccessful “she liked it rough” defense will soon become your cell mate’s favorite joke to tell in the mess hall.

Aquarius:  (January 21 – February 18)  You can make the argument until you’re blue in the face, but that is not a hobby.

Pisces:  (February 19 – March 20)  No, really, of course your bartender has never felt like this about anyone before, but just to make sure, offer to buy him another drink.

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