Aries: (March 21 – April 19) Stop trying to be the leader all the time. Drinking doesn’t have to be a competitive sport, it can also be a slow, mutual stagger to an unfamiliar bed.
Taurus: (April 20 – May 20) You brain-dead, drunken fool. She’s not impressed with the your ability to slur in Spanish while ordering another shot and adjusting your balls. Hitler was a Taurus, you’ve embarrassed him.
Gemini: (May 21 – June 21) You’re not twins, you have a split personality, quit buying every other drink for your other self. Both of you!
Cancer: (June 22 – July 22) When you’re not around, people describe you as “timid, lazy, self-indulgent, possessive and brooding.” Oh, there was one more… oh yeah! “Scavenger.”
Leo: (July 23 – Aug. 22) Most astrologers concur that Leo’s are noble, loving and powerful. What a crock of shit! You’re a bunch of babies. You annoy me.
Virgo: (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Knock off the servile act and admit that you are a cunning, underhanded wretch. And stop looking at my food like that.
Libra: (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) No, he did not say your mother performed a “cunning stunt.” He said she had a… oh, never mind.
Scorpio: (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) For the record, it is deeply obnoxious when you put on your sultry voice and say, “I’m a SCORPIO.” That shit even sounded dumb in the 70s when you had hair. Time for a new line. Maybe something like, “Oh, baby, how’s the new hip treating you?”
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Enough with the laying around on your friend’s couch wondering why your dick turned yellow. GET A JOB!
Capricorn: (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20) Nice Job! Now that you got drunk and shared THAT fantasy, you are stuck with her for life. Break her heart and EVERYONE finds out about you being Christopher Robin and her being “Winnie the Poo.”
Aquarius: (Jan. 21 – Feb. 18) Flee. All is discovered. Try south, the Mexican border is too hot. Don’t trust anyone. Once in Managua, go to the Portnoy Hotel. Wear the fake nose and glasses. Ask for Lefty. When the monkey comes out, wiggle. Then rhumba like your life depends on it. It just might.
Pisces: (February 19 – March 20) You’re a fish living in a world of mammals. They have soft fur and are cuddly. You are slimy and have scales. Get over it. You don’t fit in. You never will. Nice swim bladder.