Aries: (March 21 – April 19) Eat your greens, watch your cholesterol and exercise daily if you want to prolong your silly and pointless existence.
Taurus: (April 20 – May 20) Being born under the star sign “Taurus” means that you love to end up on top – but from what we heard at the bar last night, you don’t mind starting from a different position. Call us.
Gemini: (May 21 – June 21) According to most astrologists, Gemini are quick witted, engaging, bright and the proverbial life of the party. Thus, we have reason to doubt your claimed identity. You have been reported to the authorities.
Cancer: (June 22 – July 22) Have you Cancers ever felt like you were screwed when it came to your zodiac sign? I mean, you’re a horrible disease and that crab makes everybody think of pubic lice. That must suck.
Leo: (July 23 – Aug. 22) Leos are natural born leaders who know where they are fated to be and strive like lions to achieve their ultimate destiny. That’s a shit load of work just to end up a drunk in a third world bar, don’tcha think?
Virgo: (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Obviously, people snicker when you tell them you are a Virgo. But this is no joke. Every time they do, the are implying you are a slut and they are thinking about having crazy monkey sex with you. I hope your mom isn’t a Virgo, too.
Libra: (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) The stars are aligned to bring you great success in love this month, but nothing has ever stopped your meteoric stupidity from screwing things up.
Scorpio: (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Soon you will meet the woman of your dreams and then in a uniquely awkward moment you’ll discover that she’s really a man. Go with your gut instinct and enjoy the ride.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Life change and adventurous travel are on your horizon. Let’s just say that once you’re gone everyone will praise your “extraordinary rendition” of a political dissident.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20) Door number 1: Tiger. Door number 2: Tiger. Door number 3: Tiger. Door number 4: Tiger. Bye bye.
Aquarius: (Jan. 21 – Feb. 18) You can expect Sisyphisian success and Tantalizing opportunities. Give our best to Cerberus.
Pisces: (February 19 – March 20) Up With People just voted on your membership. Thumbs down.