horoscopes_ariesAries: (March 21 – April 19) You and your cousin recently debated the merits of taking either an “adventurous” or a “heroic” dose of ketamine and pig tranquilizer. As your eyes loll up and down to the shallow rhythm of your shattered brainwaves, know that you both overshot. Good luck with the “round peg in the round hole” test. You’ll get there someday!
horoscopes_taurusTaurus: (April 20 – May 20) You’ve got the heart of a lion and the soul of a leader. Unfortunately, one belonged to the cat in The Wizard of Oz and the other to Pol Pot.
horoscopes_geminiGemini: (May 21 – June 21) The stars say that this will be the best month of your life. So, no one will really blame you if you decide to suck a tailpipe before the summer is out.
horoscopes_cancerCancer: (June 22 – July 22) First you joined PETA, then you became a vegetarian, now your a radical vegan. And animals still hate you, Cows hate you! Sheep hate you! Even friggin’ Koalas hate you! That’s kinda funny.
horoscopes_leoLeo: (July 23 – Aug. 22) You’ve realized that “it’s either you or them.” What you haven’t yet come to terms with is that even your mom votes, “them.”
horoscopes_virgoVirgo: (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Your true powers lie in your great ability to organize people – against you.
horoscopes_libraLibra: (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) How many fingers am I holding up? If you guessed more than one, then you obviously forgot about last night.
horoscopes_sagittariusScorpio: (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Goddamn Scorpios always think they’re so cool. You’re not. You are arrogant, backstabbing douchebags. How do I know this? My birthday: November 9th!
horoscopes_libraSagittarius: (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Edvard Munch, the famous Sagittarian who created the iconic image of “The Scream,” did so at the thought of having anything in common with you.
horoscopes_capricornCapricorn: (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20) Your concept of marketing “Post-Jungian Pornography” will be a financial disaster, though we have to admit that the idea of “The Hero With A Thousand Facials” was an inspired idea. Inspired by what, we’d rather not know.
horoscopes_aquariusAquarius: (Jan. 21 – Feb. 18) Wanna know what a sad, tragic joke your life will turn out to be? Let’s just note that you’ll be the first person to die waiting for a tonsil transplant.
horoscopes_piscesPisces: (February 19 – March 20) Treat others as you would want to be treated. But get their consent in writing, first.

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