Aries:  (March 21 – April 19)  As an Aries, you enjoy taking risks.  And we enjoy laughing about them when things go horribly, horribly wrong.  Nice skin graft, by the way!

Taurus:  (April 20 – May 20)  Get ready, your fifteen minutes of fame is almost here.  Thank God for the internet and your ability to sleep through anything.

Gemini: (May 21 – June 21) We’re not qualified to offer that kind of legal advice and even if we were, we’d just feel icky.

Cancer: (June 22 – July 22) No need to beat around the bush, your star sign say it all.  Enjoy the next six months!

Leo: (July 23 – August 22) The good news is your daughter will have a successful career in the movies.  Then again, you might see that as bad news, given the movies.

Virgo:  (August 23 – September 22)  This month you will have the opportunity to face your problems head on.  And your friends will have the opportunity to hose you off the front of the bus.

Libra: (September 23 – October 22)  Liposuction?  Rhinoplasty? Tummy tuck? Liver transplant. Money is tight this year.  Choose wisely.

Scorpio:  (October 23 – November 21) Why, why, why did you ever think you could fit that in there?  A bowling trophy?  Really?

Sagittarius:  (November 22 – December 21) Congratulations!  You left no trace evidence and no one suspects a thing.  We hope you enjoy the smell of brimstone!  Give our best to Jeffrey Dahmer.

Capricorn:  (December 22 – January 20)  Tequila keg stands, while courageous and entertaining cannot be passed off as social drinking.  Thank God you’re amongst friends.

Aquarius:  (January 21 – February 18)  Existential angst, spiritual ennui, moral leprosy, intellectual stagnation.  On and on and on and on…

Pisces:  (February 19 – March 20)  We can’t believe it either, but this is going to be the worst year of your life.  Don’t even bother trying.  You Lose.    Drink Gin.

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