Aries:  (March 21 – April 19)   If your future could be magically transformed into a country and western song, hundreds of thousands of American Rednecks would spontaneously burst into tears and order cheap whiskey.

Taurus:  (April 20 – May 20)  After a night of wild partying, you’ll finally find a safe place to lay your head.  On the reassuring, cool  and piss stained linoleum of your bathroom floor.

Gemini: (May 21 – June 21) More that 3 drinks a day: Check.  Occasional blackouts:  Check.   Questionable decisions with sex partners:  Check.  Congratulations, you’re finally cool… and you probably have herpes!

Cancer: (June 22 – July 22) She didn’t like you then.  She doesn’t like you now.  Stop wasting your money and by ME a drink.

Leo: (July 23 – Aug. 22) There are times in your life when it seems like everything is possible – true love, compassion, chocolate flavored mittens, giant buildings shaped like lava lamps.  Remember, during these times you are very very stoned.

Virgo:  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) How many roads must a man walk down, before they call him a man?  How many seas must a white dove sail, before she sleeps in the sand?  16 and 4 respectively.

Libra: (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)  For reasons you will never be able to fathom you will soon be nicknamed “Ear Face the Banana Catcher.”

Scorpio:  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)  Don’t believe what inspirational speakers tell you.  Your dreams suck.  Follow someone else’s.

Sagittarius:  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) “Children and animals love me.” is a sweet thought for your online profile.  But not so much as a legal defense.

Capricorn:  (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)  When you heard that Café No Sé will hire just about anyone, focus on the “just about” part.

Aquarius:  (Jan. 21 – Feb. 18) We just figured we’d be the first to tell you that the cool new Chinese character tattoo you got does not mean “strength.”   Idiot.

Pisces:  (February 19 – March 20)   Wow!  A star sign that matches your natural phermonic emissions.  Congratulations, fishbody!   Good luck with the ladies!

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