Aries: (March 21 – April 19) If your future could be magically transformed into a country and western song, hundreds of thousands of American Rednecks would spontaneously burst into tears and order cheap whiskey.
Taurus: (April 20 – May 20) After a night of wild partying, you’ll finally find a safe place to lay your head. On the reassuring, cool and piss stained linoleum of your bathroom floor.
Gemini: (May 21 – June 21) More that 3 drinks a day: Check. Occasional blackouts: Check. Questionable decisions with sex partners: Check. Congratulations, you’re finally cool… and you probably have herpes!
Cancer: (June 22 – July 22) She didn’t like you then. She doesn’t like you now. Stop wasting your money and by ME a drink.
Leo: (July 23 – Aug. 22) There are times in your life when it seems like everything is possible – true love, compassion, chocolate flavored mittens, giant buildings shaped like lava lamps. Remember, during these times you are very very stoned.
Virgo: (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) How many roads must a man walk down, before they call him a man? How many seas must a white dove sail, before she sleeps in the sand? 16 and 4 respectively.
Libra: (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) For reasons you will never be able to fathom you will soon be nicknamed “Ear Face the Banana Catcher.”
Scorpio: (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Don’t believe what inspirational speakers tell you. Your dreams suck. Follow someone else’s.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) “Children and animals love me.” is a sweet thought for your online profile. But not so much as a legal defense.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20) When you heard that Café No Sé will hire just about anyone, focus on the “just about” part.
Aquarius: (Jan. 21 – Feb. 18) We just figured we’d be the first to tell you that the cool new Chinese character tattoo you got does not mean “strength.” Idiot.
Pisces: (February 19 – March 20) Wow! A star sign that matches your natural phermonic emissions. Congratulations, fishbody! Good luck with the ladies!