Aries: (March 21 – April 19) You are the ram. Solitary. Stoic. Arrogant. Useless. Your great skill, bashing your head against hard things, makes you look silly. Everyone makes fun of you.
Taurus: (April 20 – May 20) Conditions are perfect today to kick back and relax with family and all those other people who pretend to like you.
Gemini: (May 21 – June 21) Today is a day for humility and contrition – at least in front of the judge and your children. You blew the trial, don’t blow the sentencing!
Cancer: (June 22 – July 22) Here’s the good news: love is in the air today. Here’s the bad news, she’s a stock broker and will only be “in the air” for another 2.5 seconds. There she goes!
Leo: (July 23 – Aug. 22) Your plans are totally unrealistic, not to mention gross. It wasn’t meant to be stretched like that.
Virgo: (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Don’t make things harder than they are. Keep it simple. Close the garage door, attach the hose to the exhaust, go to sleep.
Libra: (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Next time someone says “don’t take the brown acid,” “Orange Gorilla Headed-Monster-Larva IS INSIDE MY BRAIN!!! Kill it!!! Kill it!!!!” don’t take the brown acid, idiot.
Scorpio: (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) This month, ask yourself if you want to go elegant and classical (Here Reposes the Body of..), or hip, enigmatic and edgy (Nothing Remains but Remains). But make it snappy, no one’s gonna want to waste time on you once you’re gone.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You are advised against making any important decisions. And not just for this month. Your stupidity is a danger to everyone around you.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20) Much like the bespectacled looser who contracts athlete’s foot from stepping into a puddle on the locker room floor, you will somehow contract pornstar dick before you leave Antigua. It’s gonna itch. Bad.
Aquarius: (Jan. 21 – Feb. 18) Now that you’re traveling on your own you’ll become attracted by the differences that you see in strangers – but, someday, that positive character trait will go horribly, horribly wrong. Good luck introducing Clefty McHookfoot to mom.
Pisces: (February 19 – March 20) In the coming year you will become a master in the art of bringing change. Sadly, it will be spare change, and you’ll be bringing it to your beggar master.