Aries:  (March 21 – April 19) Any attempt to find solace through meditation and aroma therapy is destined to go wrong.  Start smoking.

Taurus:  (April 20 – May 20) Soon you will meet a tall dark stranger, who will ritually dismember and eat you.

Gemini: (May 21 – June 21) The growth you just discovered is terminal, but could give you a short and lucrative career in a niche porn industry.

Cancer: (June 22 – July 22) Word to the wise:  For your weekend trip to San Pedro, bring extra underpants.

Leo: (July 23 – August 22) Trust your broker.  But not with your sister.

Virgo:  (August 23 – September 22) Repeated failure can not hold you back.  Jump!  Jump!  Jump!

Libra: (September 23 – October 22) Quit your job.  Drop out of school.  Skip low alcohol beer and head straight for the hard stuff!  It’s over!

Scorpio:  (October 23 – November 21) Don’t worry, tattoos can be removed.  And this one definitely should be before you fly to Tel Aviv.

Sagittarius:  (November 22 – December 21)  You realize, finally, that you live a cartoonish existence.  Watch out for banana peels, falling anvils and seemingly innocent piles of birdseed.

Capricorn:  (December 22 – January 19) Many, many weeks have passed since she placed the restraining order on you.  Don’t be shy.  Drop by!  Meet her new friend!

Aquarius:  (January 20 – February 18) Be adventurous, try new things, but keep it in the Animal Kingdom.

Pisces:  (February 19 – March 20) Don’t let passers by get you down.  Remember, you’re not homeless, you’re an urban camper!

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