Aries: (March 21 – April 19) Any attempt to find solace through meditation and aroma therapy is destined to go wrong. Start smoking.
Taurus: (April 20 – May 20) Soon you will meet a tall dark stranger, who will ritually dismember and eat you.
Gemini: (May 21 – June 21) The growth you just discovered is terminal, but could give you a short and lucrative career in a niche porn industry.
Cancer: (June 22 – July 22) Word to the wise: For your weekend trip to San Pedro, bring extra underpants.
Leo: (July 23 – August 22) Trust your broker. But not with your sister.
Virgo: (August 23 – September 22) Repeated failure can not hold you back. Jump! Jump! Jump!
Libra: (September 23 – October 22) Quit your job. Drop out of school. Skip low alcohol beer and head straight for the hard stuff! It’s over!
Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21) Don’t worry, tattoos can be removed. And this one definitely should be before you fly to Tel Aviv.
Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21) You realize, finally, that you live a cartoonish existence. Watch out for banana peels, falling anvils and seemingly innocent piles of birdseed.
Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19) Many, many weeks have passed since she placed the restraining order on you. Don’t be shy. Drop by! Meet her new friend!
Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18) Be adventurous, try new things, but keep it in the Animal Kingdom.
Pisces: (February 19 – March 20) Don’t let passers by get you down. Remember, you’re not homeless, you’re an urban camper!