Aries:  (March 21 – April 19) Close but no cigar! What she actually said was that “you were a vast suppository of useless information.”

Taurus:  (April 20 – May 20) We understand that Shakespeare was a Taurus, but that gives you absolutely no right to incorporate “When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin” and “Ay, there’s the rub…” into your one man show. Even Gallagher thought that was gross.

Gemini: (May 21 – June 21) Just give up your breeding program. No one is interested in hairless, hypoallergenic cats. No one.

Cancer: (June 22 – July 22) Your international campaign to honor and assist individuals “living with hemorrhoids” is neither admirable nor necessary. In fact, we’re pretty sure they just think you’re making fun of them.

Leo: (July 23 – Aug. 22) One wonderful night that will live in your mind forever is not worth a lifetime of recurring herpes sores. But you’ll do it anyway, and that’s why we love you. From afar.

Virgo:  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Official Ruling: Losing one sock at the laundromat is insufficient reason to “drink away your troubles.” Nice try and the judges recognize your commitment to the sport.

Libra: (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) If you ever find yourself using monkey bars to cross a crocodile filled moat, it’s probably better to crawl across the top instead of trying to go hand-over -hand underneath. You know, just in case.

Scorpio:  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You’re having one of those days when it’s hard to know the limits, so we’ll help you with a mnemonic device: ASSHAT (A Survival Skill – Halt At Teetering.)

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Wow! Was it an homage to Jimmy Carter and deer hunters or just your own innate weirdness that led you to attempt stagfellation at that bachelor party? Kudos! Now get tested.

Capricorn:  (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20) In your obituary the words devoured, strappado, and autoerotic will all be misspelled, but they nail the word neglige.

Aquarius:  (Jan. 21 – Feb. 18)  As an Aquarian you possess a quicksilver mind, by which we mean that even in small does you make people fucking crazy.

Pisces:  (February 19 – March 20) Actually, for you, “sticking your head in the sand” is a big step in the right direction.

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