Aries: (March 21 – April 19) Remember that night when you were really drunk, but we all encouraged you to “dance like no one’s lookin?” You go live on YouTube today at noon! Search for “spastic chicken.”
Taurus: (April 20 – May 20) Yes, you did hear her correctly. She said “there was something attractive about you.” Unfortunately, she was talking about gravity. Hit the gym, fatty.
Gemini: (May 21 – June 21) The police will attribute your death to an accident during auto-erotic asphyxiation. They will be mistaken. Avoid red heads.
Cancer: (June 22 – July 22) Your demise, as rendered by Parker Brothers: Mr. Cancer. With a vengeance. In your colon.
Leo: (July 23 – Aug. 22) Your choice to invest in a chocolate covered, deep-fried cigarette factory was questionable. Your defense that you weren’t stoned when you made it is laughable.
Virgo: (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Our advice: In the future, avoid the term “retarded girlpinions” when trying to pick up hippie chicks. Or anyone.
Libra: (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Alphabetically, this is what the world has in store for you this month: Alienation. Betrayal, Contagion. Disrespect. Ennui… Shall we continue?
Scorpio: (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) The stars say that Uranus is entering its second house. Be Very Careful! That can put great strain on your lower back
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) It is inappropriate to express your love of beer carnally. Especially at the bar. You should be ashamed.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20) Two wrong acts do not make a right – unless, and this is very important, she specifically asks you to perform them both
Aquarius: (Jan. 21 – Feb. 18) We warned you before… this time you MUST listen. There is a boat leaving from Puerto Barrios at 6 tomorrow morning. Be on it. When you get to Vladivostok go to the “Gay Paris Bar” and ask for Hank. He will offer, but DO NOT get high. You will need your wits about you when the Cossacks arrive. There’s a small handgun taped to your appendix. Be sure to retrieve it en route. There’s a pair of rubber gloves in your sock drawer.
Pisces: (February 19 – March 20) You will live a long and happy life, surrounded by children and grandchildren – all of whom will abandon you when they find out about “that time in Panama.” You will die alone and be eaten by your cats.