The NRA Reaches Out to The Nation’s Homicidal Madmen

At a press conference held late this evening at the Fairfax, Virginia, headquarters of the National Rifle Association, NRA President Wayne LaPierre issued a plea for “restraint” in the “rampaging-gunman community” in the wake of today’s massacre in California. 

“As most cold-blooded spree-killers know, this is a very sensitive time for gun rights in America. Traditionally, the nation can handle three, even four scenes of unimaginable carnage per year without much fuss,” LaPierre said. “But after Newtown with the kids and South Carolina with the blacks and now this with the . . . what do you call ’em . . . ? Developmentally disabled? Anyway, the country is just jittery. And so, as I was saying, we here at the NRA encourage all homicidal maniacs, wherever they live in this great country of ours, to keep a low profile for a month or so.”

After reaching for his hip and dropping to a crouch after a commotion of clattering plates emanated from an adjoining conference room, the NRA spokesman righted himself and continued, “And by a low profile, we mean that those intent on mayhem should NOT commit large-scale, multiple-victim murders in the near future. We can’t stress that enough. Please, no mass butchery. Not right now.

“Let me put it simply: The godless socialists, the ‘urban’ population and their shills in Congress want to take away our rights. They want universal background checks, restrictions on high-capacity magazines and a ban on assault weapons. Although the NRA has held back the tide so far, another random, soul-crushing bloodbath would make it ever more likely that Congress will act.” 

This reporter deems it relevant to note that Mr. LaPierre did make a gesture for inverted commas, which are colloquially known as bunny-ears or air-quotes, when he spoke the word: urban.

The NRA executive vice president then directly addressed all sociopathic madmen watching the press conference. LaPierre softened his voice as he urged them to, “Work with us here, guys. If we have even one more slaughter of innocents before the New Year, the NRA’s job of defending the liberty of every gun-owning American, including you, gets that much harder. Then where will we be? In tyranny, that’s where! So, please, think about the big picture. Let’s come together as a community. Let’s be reasonable. We’re only asking for a month.”

Speaking in a fatherly drawl, LaPierre continued, “I’m sure we can all agree it will be just as easy to walk into a mall parking lot, a clothing store in your hometown’s historic district, a high-school reunion — really, anywhere you want — sixty or ninety days down the road. At that point you can all fulfill your dream of blowing apart unarmed, innocent people with high-velocity, fragmenting bullets . . . provided we work together now.”

In closing, LaPierre reiterated his call for restraint: “Just give us a bit of time and we’ll be through this crisis of governmental-overreach into the lives of lawful, if sometimes mentally unbalanced and enormously dangerous, gun owners.”

Following his remarks, LaPierre took questions from the press.

A.P. reporter Tom Johnson wondered how a moratorium on ruthless, senseless brutality might impact a unhinged killer. “How will he satisfy his urge toward mass murder? How will he duplicate the excitement of firing hundreds of rounds from an assault rifle into the flesh of terrified victims?”

LaPierre responded frankly, “Look, no one thinks this is going to be easy. For anyone. Particularly someone who is a tortured ball of rage with easy, legal access to military-grade weaponry and full body-armor. But if a gun owner feels absolutely compelled to snuff out life and happiness from dozens of individuals and their families, we just hope that he will stop to consider how his actions might affect his fellow firearms enthusiasts. And if he still can’t hold off for a couple of months, then maybe he can limit himself to five kills or less . . . and no children or simpletons. Not for now. That would be very unhelpful at the moment.”

Seeming frustrated with both the nation’s well-armed sociopaths and the assembled reporters, LaPierre informed the press corps that if a bloodthirsty madman chose to use a legally available sniper rifle with an accuracy of up to 1,000 yards, he could almost certainly knock off several helpless targets before being apprehended. “What we’re saying is there are ways to slay unknowing victims without jeopardizing everyone’s Second Amendment rights. If you have to go on a killing spree, the NRA would like you to consider some guidelines we’ve put up on our website.”

LaPierre then ticked off those suggestions on his fingers. “First, try to stick to a poor or already-high-violence area. This will decrease media attention, which in turn increases our chances of avoiding regulation.” Returning to a theme that had run through his address, but more collegially now, LaPierre added, “A sensible rule of thumb is: ‘Urban’ is always good.”

Here, again, he gesturally inserted air quotes, this time eliciting knowing chuckles from several reporters.

“But there are also wonderful areas of rural poverty often overlooked by individuals compelled towards mass murder. Just drive down back roads scanning for trailer parks. It may be a little inconvenient for you, but could prove invaluable to your fellow gun owners. Second, avoid suburban neighborhoods at all costs. That’s self-explanatory. And third, don’t be flashy. No masks. No makeup. Wear body armor, for God’s sake, but stick with basic camo. Don’t give the media anything to grab on to. If you absolutely must kill, then do your thing. But remember, this is about more than just you, the deranged killer. Your real victims could well be other gun owners. Is that worth the risk?”

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