State Department Warns Against Travel in U.S.A.

The Department of State warns all U.S. citizens and foreign nationals to avoid traveling within the United States of America at this time, particularly in the states of Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota,  Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee,  Texas, Utah, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin and Wyoming. A lower-level travel-advisory is in effect for persons of color in Vermont. Most recent census data indicates that, excluding yellow road-signs icons, the entire population of that state is “white,” “fishbelly white,” or “tragically white,” and exposure to ambient levels of radiant Caucasium (496.8 ofays / second) can lead to blindness, nausea and, in extreme cases, permanent fionaappling.

Though the warning covers significant portions (99.75 percent) of United States landmass, travel in several states — and by foreign visitors of particular nations — requires special precautions.

1. Though thousands of citizens and foreign nationals travel to and within the state of Arkansas without issue, all should be aware that it is currently classified as one of the poorest and most violent parts of the nation. The crime rate in Arkansas ranks near the top in the United States at 480.1 crimes per 100,000 people. Travelers should be advised that these crimes include all the bad stuff: rape, robbery, aggressive assault and murder. When incest and ass-whomping are taken into account, that number increases by an order of magnitude. Undoubtedly, these crimes are  associated with the region’s notorious poverty. Arkansas ranks forty-seventh of the fifty states, with 18.9 percent of the population living in poverty. Neighboring Mississippi, also a state long known for violence, often racially motivated, is the poorest of the United States with 21.5 percent of the population living in poverty. Somewhat balancing the scales, the variety of beef jerky flavors is well above average and the citizenry can often be distracted by shiny objects or songs about whiskey. (Nb: Local pronunciation: WHIK-ky.)
2. The Department of State feels it is important to impress upon travelers from Europe and Oceania, where gun ownership is relatively low, to take particular care if they must travel through the United States, as the easy access to high-powered, military-grade weaponry has allowed even small bands of aggressive guinea pigs to equip themselves with firearms.Related research has also determined that the most popular name for girls in the Deep South in 2016 was “Militia.” It is unclear if this is due to the recent rise of paramilitary organizations or a linguistic adaptation to the popular name “Melissa” naturally arising in a population lacking reliable frontal dentition.
3. Citizens and foreign nationals unaccustomed to obtaining their daily nutritional requirements from cow slurry and high-fructose corn syrup should avoid the rapidly advancing food deserts found throughout the nation. The problem is particularly dire in Alabama where forty-four percent of all restaurants are classified “fast-food eateries.” Though this warning is general, the Department wishes to emphasize the severity of the problem for visitors from France due to the multiplying effects of sudden-onset obesity and congenital ennui.
4. LGBT* citizens and foreign nationals are under a severe travel warning in the Midwest and states comprising what is colloquially termed either ‘the Bible Belt,’ or the ‘Repressed, Angry, Sexually Contorted Asshole League’ or RASCAL states. While many millions of citizens of the United States are proudly LGBT*, entire swaths of the nation fail to secure basic human rights for these individuals, often legally barring them from full participation in common society. Due to the dual nature of the federal / state legal systems in the United States, members of the LGBT* community may have their civil and human rights protected against violation by the national government while still being exposed to institutional repression by state, county and municipal governments. Which makes about as much sense as, well, believing that an invisible man in the sky watches you masturbate and then expresses his disapproval via a system of floods, tornados and earthquakes. Prosecution for violating so-called sodomy laws are often at the discretion of rebellious Christian tribesmen who prioritize religious over secular precepts. As noted above, it is in these heavily Christian and socially conservative states where the treatment of LGBT* peoples is most dire, with the State of Texas as a standout for troubling legal protection. Major metropolitan regions around Austin, Dallas and Fort Worth often serve as default safe-havens for LGBT* persons, but four municipalities in the state scored zero out of one hundred on the Human Rights Campaign survey of LGBT* safety and political integration. Yee-haw. Assholes.
5. The traditionally fractious relationship between authorities and individuals with certain racial characteristics indicative of African descent have disintegrated rapidly across the United States in recent years. Those individuals are strongly encouraged to neither travel alone, nor in groups, nor to persist in being black while in the territorial United States. If these citizens or foreign nationals are in the United States for more than one week, there is a very high probability of being approached by the police. It is crucial in such cases that compliance — often humiliating and arbitrary — must be absolute as summary executions are on the rise.
6. Due to heightened tensions across the United States during this highly polarizing and unpredictable political season, Muslim and Latino individuals are strenuously advised to shelter in place until further notice.

In case of any troubles, it is advised that foreign nationals immediately seek refuge in their respective embassies. Citizens of the United States are reminded that Mexico and Canada are both lovely places to start your long-delayed getaway. We strongly encourage the update of passports immediately.